BERKELEY, Calif. – After a long-winded brainstorm session, the Berkeley Interfraternity Council came to the exciting conclusion that “Super Hot Chicks and Culturally Appropriating Dicks”-themed party would headline for the week.

“I immediately knew the theme would be a hit,” explained Pike brother Matty Bee-Rapps. “I’ve actually dressed as a culturally appropriating dick to a number of parties in the past, despite that not being specified in the theme. I figured I wasn’t alone, and just really wanted to provide a way for guys who were definitely going to dress in culturally disrespectful costumes anyways to do so in a space that actually wants them to. We’re just trying to be respectful like that.”

FIJI brother (and Matty Bee-Rapps’ actual biological brother) Axel Bee-Rapps, also shared a comment.

“Personally, I think that while the latter half of the theme is ideal, it’s the first part that makes it golden,” Axel explained. “Far too often I see chicks who I do not find super hot, which is annoying. Especially because I can’t really view women I don’t find attractive as real people.” He laughed. “Ideally there’ll be a 4 to 1 ratio too; 4 super hot chicks to every 1 culturally appropriating dick. What am I saying – we have bids to do that. Man, this theme fucks.”

Sampson Maize, who is actually a nice guy, felt a little differently.

“Look, I’m actually a nice guy. And honestly? This theme is effed up! Insensitive costumes are not okay under any circumstances,” Sampson stated. “I do want to clarify that the costume I myself am wearing may be seen by some as ‘offensive,’ but I actually have a friend who’s not white (I think) who said it’s okay. Plus,” he continued, “it doesn’t take a feminist (like me) to know that this theme is degrading to women. I actually feel sad when I think about what they have to go through every day. My mom, who I am super close with and admire greatly, raised me right, unlike those assholes. Like, I’m actually a nice guy. And the theme is so horrible that instead I’m inviting all of you ladies to come hang at my apartment on Halloween, where we can watch old horror movies I’ll somehow make pretentious and I can play my guitar for you.”

Weekend projections are actually indicating that party attendance won’t matter at all, as literally everyone besides you will be at Outside Lands (nerd). More updates to come.

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