BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to be a human skeleton” in what is believed to be an abandoned building in a city with one of the worst housing crises in the United States. In a follow-up press conference today, the University elaborated upon the reason behind the skeleton’s removal. 

“By now, you’ve likely heard about the skeletonizing incident,” said a spokeswoman for the university that chose not to notify the majority of the community about the incident. “We would like to note that we chose to remove the skeleton because, upon its discovery, we cross-checked our records and found that it did not pay tuition for the ‘22-’23 school year, and as such was ineligible for our student housing plans. Any questions?” 

One student journalist from the Daily Californian, Reed DeClog, quickly queried the quote. 

“Do you mean to tell us,” DeClog questioned, “that not only do we have unused student dorms, but somehow the University has neglected them as an option to relieve our housing shortage for so long that someone has had time to pass away and fully decompose in this building?” 

The spokeswoman returned a stunned reply. “Excuse me,” she began, “it’s not a person’s right to be checked on by the University. Our responsibilities begin and end with taking tuition payments and sticking you in a cramped triple with two PoliSci majors. After all, why should that free-loading skeleton get to occupy a space that could be more rightfully used to house a family of our campus’ skunks? What student would even want to live in a building in which someone died?” continued the spokeswoman from her podium in front of the famously insanguine anthropology department. 

At press time, the University released an update that they “see and hear the campus community and why they would be upset, which is why [they] are planning to rename the Social Sciences Building ‘Clark Kerr Skeleton Hall.’”

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