WASHINGTON D.C. – Coinciding with the second anniversary of the January 6th insurrection, D.C police have found new security footage showing former Teletubbies Sun Baby actress and current host of the American Patriots Forever Podcast, Jessica Smith, storming the capitol.
“The satanic liberals are silencing me yet again,” Smith shouted via a collect call from the DC Central Detention Facility. “They didn’t let me speak my truth on Teletubbies and they’re not letting me say it now. Yes, I was a ‘baby’ at the time or whatever, but my patriotism runs deep,” continued Smith, a UK citizen and resident. “I’m still trapped in my giggling yellow spiky circle cage but now it’s a metaphorical cage made by Sleepy Joe and George Soros. I renounce my role in Teletubbies because those stomach tv things on the ‘Tubbies, as we called them, were actally used to spread lamestream media lies this whole time.”
Capitol police officer Jim Stinson recounted his brief interaction with Smith during the insurrection:
“We detained her in the House chamber while she was pouring a can of Red Bull on a historic painting of Theodore Roosevelt. She kept saying ‘You can’t arrest me. I’m the Sun Baby.’ I was so appalled, though not because of the crime. I mean, let’s be honest, we’re on the same side so it’s fine. But I was appalled by the real crime of plagiarizing a quote from the legend himself, Buddy ‘the Cake Boss’ Valastro, star of the hit reality show Cake Boss. Unfortunately, while I was distracted thinking of my favorite scenes from the aforementioned show, Smith got loose and fled the scene.”
Chair of the January 6th Committee, Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS), had much to say about the new footage:
“This completely changes the game for us. Teletubbies operates on the same intellectual level as much of Congress, making this new information far more impactful than the rest of the actual insurrection. When Republicans opposed to the investigation learn about this news, they’ll realize the consequences of their rhetoric. Unlike the lives of the many working class Americans they’ve ruined through lies about the election, they actually care about the Sun Baby.”
Along with Smith, D.C police also found security footage implicating former Yo Gabba Gabba! host Lance Robertson fraternizing with the QAnon Shaman while raiding Nancy Pelosi’s congressional office.