BERKELEY, Calif. — As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.

“You know, I’ve always felt like hot shit because I have this copper tan and am chiseled to the max, but lately I just haven’t been feeling like myself,” sighed the seal this past Friday morning. “The trees get hugs, Oski gets… attention, but people just cringe in defeat when they touch me. I know it’s because of tradition, but nice guys don’t get anything anymore. These students aren’t even receiving 4.0s anyway!”

Julia Tan, rumored 4.0 student and Regents Scholar nerd, commented on why she avoids the seal later that Friday afternoon.

“The superstition is part of my reasoning, sure, but I don’t need luck anyway. As a Regents Scholar, I know I always have Carol on my side, so I never have to worry. I also don’t appreciate being called a nerd – I work hard for my grades. It’s not my fault you aren’t going to as many office hours as I am.” When asked for additional comments, Tan stated, “I just don’t want to dirty my converse stepping on the seal, and I’ve seen what Darian does with it when no one’s watching.” 

Darian Towllicker, EECS major and seal stepper, explained that he empathizes with the seal for multiple reasons.

“People really need to put on their Berkeley goggles and take a look around; there are plenty of handsome suitors in this town,” Darian explained the next morning. “The Moffitt seal is in the ideal zone for foot traffic as well. Everytime I pass by to enter the realms of Main Stacks, I make sure I give the seal a nice big stomp. Really rub my foot around on it. I’m just doing my part to be a nice guy too.”

Darian, who has also never felt the touch of another person, agreed that he too would appreciate being stepped on. Both him and the seal were seen on Tinder later that evening.

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