BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Rea Cycling awoke Sunday morning with mild back discomfort, only to uncover the culprit: a lone soybean hidden beneath her …
Womp Womp! Professor Only Receives Seated Ovation After Final Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — As Professor Dee Merit concluded his final calculus lecture this past Wednesday, the room erupted into a polite smattering of applause as …
Bless Her Heart! Woman Still Says ‘ChatGBT’
BERKELEY, Calif. — A hush fell over UC Berkeley’s Interpreting Shakespeare class this past Thursday morning as third-year Bea Hind inadvertently revealed her academic integrity …
Bottom Alert! Neither Of My Roommates Have The Confidence To Take Out The Trash
BERKELEY, Calif. — The act of allowing the trash to pile high in one’s apartment yet waiting for a different roommate to take it out …
Clickbait! Female Professor’s ‘Partner’ Actually Just Straight Husband
BERKELEY, Calif. — On Wednesday morning, an American Studies class’s final review session erupted in turmoil when professor Genevieve Bater accidentally projected a photo of …
REPORT: Is This Baby Onto Something? Bro’s Just Tryna Suckle
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal junior and current SAE pledge Edward “Ed” Opus was witnessed attempting to dap up a newborn in its mother’s arms outside …
‘Sit Closer, I Don’t Bite!’ Urges GSI Who Doesn’t Know That I Do
“We’re not starting class until everyone moves up to the front. Sit closer, I don’t bite!” I looked around at the five other students who still attend section, wondering if Ned really needed us to move closer. Was this another GSI power trip? I knew he wasn’t a biter, but he clearly underestimated the power of a now-annoyed undergraduate student who skipped breakfast this morning. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. My mouth began to water at the thought of sinking my canines into Ned’s freckled arm. The sound of his howl would truly be music to my ears as I’d leave him with a permanent tattoo of my chompers. Who is Ned to tell me what to do!?
Impressive? Waka Flocka’s ‘No Hands’ Inspired by Learning to Ride a Bike
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were in shock Tuesday morning after a new study revealed that the hit song “No Hands” was a tribute to …
Leaked! White Lotus Season 3 Actually Just Found Footage of Kappa Girls in Cabo
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico — Writer and director of the hit show White Lotus, Mike White, revealed that Season 3 will not only take place …
Male Berkeley Student Expresses His Love for Women by Dominating His Class Feminism Discussion
“It’s just so horrible what women have to go through in their day-to-day lives,” mused Lencer, cutting off the female classmate we were trying to interview. “As a man who values women for more than their bodies, I took it upon myself to share all the struggles women go through. Many of them seemed hesitant to share, holding up their hand and waiting for the professor to call on them, but I did not let this stop me from shouting out and sharing lived experiences for them. But don’t worry, I have a friend who’s a woman, so I get it.”