BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal junior and current SAE pledge Edward “Ed” Opus was witnessed attempting to dap up a newborn in its mother’s arms outside of Dwinelle this past Tuesday morning. Sources say that Opus himself breastfed until the age of six and now seeks this suckling joy from all other aspects of his life.
“Yo, what I would give to be a baby again!” Opus exclaimed with a rather jovial look on his face. “To just experience the feel of a clean nipple between my lips and not have to endure judgments as I go to town is my dream. I try to get my fix from those squeezable gatorade bottles with the squirting lids, you know what I’m talking about, the suckable ones. I’ve had a few experiences with ladies my age too, but honestly it’s just not the same. I wanna feel hella doted on, you know! Call me a pool boy because I’m searching for a nice 40-year-old woman whose pool I can clean for a suckling exchange.”
Local milf and pool-owner Sophia Kougard heard the distant cries of Ed Opus, her soon-to-be baby boy.
“He’s not the first guy to reach out to me, and he probably won’t be the last,” Kougard explained. “These men seem to need their little hands held through adulthood – especially the college men, who come over and bring me their dirty clothes to wash, because, you know, they’ve never had to press all those buttons before! It’s adorable really; the poor little guys get all flustered at the mention of dryer sheets, so I always make sure I have a snack waiting for them when they arrive. What can I say—they are sweet, and who am I to refuse a good suckle?”
At press time, Kougard was seen sipping a martini by her newly cleaned pool, while Opus was seen telling his mom that he missed her over the phone.