The beginning of a semester brings about many opportunities for new engagements, alongside the avalanche of mandatory applications in its tow. For your ease in completing the application rush, here are some foolproof ideas you can use for the age-old prompt, “Describe a situation in which…” that every organization seems to love.
Succinct and intriguing, this is the perfect answer to demonstrate your merit as a potential candidate for whatever position you’re applying for. What can be said in so many words still can’t quite grasp that, as the French would put it, “jenny say kuaw” that hiring managers love to see in these responses. Not to mention that, while a picture is worth a thousand words, an animal noise is worth so much more. Don’t be afraid to let that primal big-cat out: Meeeeee-yow!
2. “When I opened my lunchbox, I was surrounded by faces of disgust as I ashamedly pulled out my container of free-range, all organic Erewhon cobb salad that my mom had so lovingly packed me after her 7 a.m. private pilates class.”
Whoever said vaguely plagiarized sob stories don’t work clearly hasn’t ascended to a position of power despite being thoroughly unqualified! I can certify that sob stories, especially those that co-opt the lived experiences of marginalized groups, are application gold.
3. FE!N FE!IN FE!IN FE!IN FE!IN
While you’re bumping Travis Scott’s new album as you’re shotgunning twenty different apps to consulting clubs (that barely have discernable distinctions between them), don’t forget to show the hiring managers that you’re a true G. Sure, maybe you copy pasted every other answer from your previous (unsuccessful) application for a Goldman Sachs internship, but at least this answer is straight from your soul. At the end of the day, it’s all just a personality fit right? And honestly, why even work with someone if they won’t bite the Travvy Patty?
4. Low value women attract low value men.
The purpose of applications is to showcase your value in what you can offer and what distinguishes you from others on the market through surface assessments against completely arbitrary criteria. Your value as an individual on the market is the determining factor in being matched accordingly with employers; it’s the deciding straw between ending up with a deadbeat consulting club who can’t even afford a table on Sproul or with a fortune 500 advising, semester yacht party hosting Chad consulting club. Sound familiar? Now cover up those shoulders, whore.
5. “Cinnamon wafting, sprinkles of powdered sugar dusting fingertips, flour scattered on the countertop – this was how I woke up every Sunday morning when my grandma made her famous cinnamon rolls.”
Nowadays, it seems like no one has patience anymore! It’s all “bang, bam, thank you ma’am!”, whatever happened to the forty five minutes (minimum!) of foreplay? This response is sure to get whoever’s reading your application slow-roasted and practically soaked for your response. Just make sure to include every single detail about your grandma’s cookware collection before briefly linking the recipe right before the word count is exceeded for bonus points!
6. “ ? . . ! .“
Hey, what can we say? Sometimes the redbull/edible/adderall/benadryl (what others call a “redadbyl” and I call “breakfast”) hits a little too hard and results in several hours of nonverbal hell in which you’re traversing various different planes of existence with no corporeal form. Employers love to see some heart, and vulnerability makes us all human! A slight warning though: follow ups to this answer may be asked in the interview, so when that happens just tear the face off your interviewer to convey the true power of Belial. Or, if the drug cocktail has worn off, just insist on giving a urine sample! The interviewer’s thermos will do for a receptacle.
Happy application season and best of luck to you all! Remember, rejection is simply redirection and in no way a reflection of your subpar, shitty, unqualified, unlikeable self. Dumbass.