Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley
WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island.
“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”
“The chugging was insane!” exclaimed Ri, white froth still clinging to her upper lip. “This was the exact release we all needed. After the excruciating Fall semester I had, I doubled my milligrams of Lexapro. Between you and me, I sneak an extra 10 millies in every night as well. All my fears and assignments just melt away, and I don’t even need my bong anymore!”
Earth inhabitants awoke this Tuesday morning to views of asteroids and an eerie darkness outside their windows. Though the physical planet remained intact, it was clear that Earth no longer existed in the Milky Way Galaxy. Where did it go? The hands of my beautiful girlfriend.
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal students were overjoyed this morning as leaked set list for Soulja Boy revealed his concert will consist of “Kiss Me Through …
As the semester comes to a close, the official UC Berkeley seal outside Moffitt has sadly reported it received no physical contact this past year and that students were actively avoiding it. Though ideally seeking a hug, the seal has stated that even being stepped on by a fresh Reebok would be a pleasurable alternative.
“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.”
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …