BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Student Chad Parisi put his faith in an orange man riding a scooter to save him from being cockblocked this past Monday night. Sources say Duffl sent their finest racer Cooper Scoots for the 4 minute journey, but by the time he arrived, it was already too late. 

“I came as fast as I could!” exclaimed Cooper distraughtly the next morning, normally an expert at coming quickly. “I am extremely passionate about Duffling, and I feel great defeat that I was beat in this challenging race. As it’s written in neon lights outside our homebase, ‘Duffl Fucks,’ but last night, I feel as if I got fucked, hard.” 

In fact, no one got fucked last night, neither Chad nor his special friend Kira who was planning on staying over for the night.

“I told him he has to wrap it if he wants to tap it,” Kira explained the following afternoon. “We had only been making out for a minute before he whipped it out in hopes of getting lucky. The only thing that was wet was my neck from his sloppy sucking, and then Chad two minutes later. He barely even touched me!” 

An outside source, Tom Peepy, who claims to have seen Kira leaving Chad’s apartment later that night reported that her disappointment was visible from across the street.

“You know those times when you’re in class and the previous day you had a substitute teacher, and when your actual teacher comes back they have that stern yet saddened look on their face because they just received the worst class report in the history of their teaching career? The epitome of disappointment? I could’ve sworn Kira was my sophomore year history teacher right then and there.”

When asked to comment on the situation later the following evening, Chad declined questioning but reported that this was no average occurrence for him. After hearing this, Kira confirmed that in fact nothing about the situation was average, only much much smaller.

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