SAN FRANCISCO — When Army recruit Jackaby Stonewall first walked through the doors of 415 Mission St. excited to be undervalued by the U.S. military and to complete Basic Combat Training — colloquially “Basic,” or “boot camp,” he had no idea he’d be building his ego, not his body.

“I’m ashamed to say it took me two weeks to notice,” said Stonewall, visibly shaken after his traumatic experience. “At first, I thought the demands were normal; we just had to give up 25% of our salary post-boot camp for seven years and sacrifice our firstborn child. I could do that, I was already putting my life on the line for them, after all.” 

After Basic, Stonewall was set to be stationed in Fort Riley, Kansas as a part of the Department of Defense’s new $2 billion appropriation to prevent vagrant corn stalks from escaping to other states.

“I got a little suspicious when we had to watch briefings by some guy named John DeNero from Berkeley, and he’d suddenly start talking about snakes like pythons and anacondas,” said Stonewall. “So I asked when we’d get to field stuff — you know, running and push-ups and such. They just replied that we’d get to object-oriented programming next week.”

Tina Cook, the instructor of the coding boot camp Stonewall had joined, seemed to be as flabbergasted as Stonewall himself at his mistaken participation, but for different reasons.

“I- I don’t know how he stayed for so long,” Cook remarked, slightly buzzed from her 10am company-reimbursed Daiquiri. “He joined us in our morning mantras and pledges to Mr. Zuckerberg to never respect ‘jobs’ like HR and to smite anyone who doesn’t believe in the genius of the Metaverse. I don’t know how any of that involves the army.”

Stonewall finally realized he was in the wrong boot camp when it came time to build a calculator in Python, after which he somehow determined this was the right career path for him and continued on to complete the entire course. At press time, Stonewall’s LinkedIn profile read #OPENTOWORK after being recently laid off from his new job at Meta.

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