You’ll be spending what’s left of your savings on a 23 hour, four-layover trip to Paris. Je suis livin’ la vida loca. “But how can you afford that?!” someone asks. You know you can’t. Don’t answer. Don’t check your bank account. Hell, run if you have to. But never admit the truth.
Another Weirdo Peddling Their Agenda on Sproul: the Girl Scouts are Back!
BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.
Horrific: This Social Media Company That Steals User Data Isn’t Even American
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The future of TikTok looks uncertain after a rigorous congressional hearing Thursday revealed that the user-data-stealing social media company isn’t even American.
OPINION: Yes, Actually, Every Indian Name Is Spelled Wrong
Some people have accused me of being malfunctional, data-deficient, or even racist. I find all of these criticisms highly unfair. The truth is actually really simple—every Indian name is spelled wrong.
Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit
Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords.
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”
‘Fuck It, We Drill,’ Says Biden on Approval of Willow Oil Project
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial decision that has pitted much of the environmental lobby against him, President Biden announced last Monday his approval of the Willow oil drilling project in Alaska with the brief statement, “Fuck it, we drill.”
Chick Magnet? Five Bible Study Groups Asked For My Number
I know, even I’m shocked. In a place as gloom and doom as UC Berkeley, it’s hard to attract people organically nowadays. I’ve tried every …
OPINION: The Granola Bar in my Backpack has been to as Many Classes as I Have, it Should at Least Get a Minor in Something
You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class …
REI Carabiner Not Strong Enough to Keep This Lesbian Couple Together
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley sophomore and distinguished lesbian Gloria Bilitis was seen crying earlier today at the Berkeley Ironworks Climbing Gym after having a literal …
Serial Liar Ex-President Claims He Will Face Consequences for His Crimes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another bald-faced lie, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump claimed he would be arrested on Tuesday despite his decades-long track …