BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back. 

With soccer moms in tow, the first expeditionary troop of Girl Scouts were spotted this week staking claim to the Telegraph-Bancroft intersection. Amidst their intimidation tactics, one intrepid and embattled suburban mother recounted her experience chaperoning. 

“See that little ragamuffin with the Doc McStuffins lunch box and the paramilitary sash? That’s my Sandy,” regaled the proud parent. “And those are her friends Barbara and ‘Skull-Crusher.’ Those girls are such a hoot! On the drive over, Barbara and Sandy were talking about ‘tactics to destabilize Sproul and install their cookie regime’ and Skull-Crusher was playing with her Bratz Dolls.” 

Sandy was eager to be interviewed, ashing her cigarette on a box of Tagalongs and peering up at us through a pair of aviator sunglasses. 

“Listen here, worm. Who sent you?” she interrogated, jabbing an oh-so handy pocket knife forward. “This is our turf. The game’s simple: we show up, you buy cookies, you get the fuck out of my face, or we break shit. Is that clear?”

At press time, the campus community received the following email: “WarnMe: Avoid the Area of Sproul Plaza. Belligerent tykes selling delicious sweets.”

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