WASHINGTON, D.C. — The future of TikTok looks uncertain after a rigorous congressional hearing Thursday revealed that the user-data-stealing social media company isn’t even American.

“Invading the privacy of U.S. citizens is the job of the U.S. government and American tech companies—not the Chinese Communist Party,” said Representative Cathy McMorris Rodgers (WA-05) in a press statement. “It is beyond horrifying to think that a Chinese company might be exploiting our citizens in the same way we exploit them on a daily basis. If TikTok wants to collect and sell our citizens’ data, they’re gonna have to go through us first. This is our turf, bitches.”

During the hearing, TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew remained evasive when asked whether his social media app was working for the People’s Republic of China.


Chew was immediately cut off by Representative Bob Latta (OH-05).

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Latta declared before launching into a five-minute tirade that left Chew no time to say anything for himself. “There are so many good, honest, hard-working Americans who bust their asses every day to steal our citizens’ data and sell it to private advertisers. Your company is actively outsourcing their jobs. What should I say to my constituents? That their data is being stolen by someone who doesn’t even live in the same country as them? Data theft is, and always will be, an American industry. There is no doubt in my mind that your company [TikTok] needs to be banned immediately.”

Comparing this trial to Zuckerberg’s in 2021, the U.S. does not seem as concerned with Facebook and Meta Platforms’ CEO Mark Zuckerberg stealing, manipulating, and selling 71% of Americans’ data because Zuckerberg proved himself to be a good ol fashioned Silicon Valley, lizard-next-door, self-starter. 

“We would prefer it if a white man — or robot, rather — were to corrupt our youth, scam our elders, and brainwash the middle-aged into posting a barrage of Minion memes. But God forbid a brunet do it, especially without giving us a share of the profits or data,” explained FCC commissioner Brendan Carr. “It is a true act of American patriotism to ruin the next generation. Only we should be able to diminish the mental health of our own citizens. We cannot allow another country to do it for us.”

In other news, top TikTok celebrities have been concerned over possibly losing their full-time jobs of wasting people’s time and promoting consumerism.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.