WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial decision that has pitted much of the environmental lobby against him, President Biden announced last Monday his approval of the Willow oil drilling project in Alaska with the brief statement, “Fuck it, we drill.”
“In the process of threatening to ban TikTok here in the US, I’ve been exposed to a lot of the lingo the kids are using these days,” said President Biden on his unique word choice. “You see, to the teens, ‘Fuck it, we ball,’ is a way of announcing one’s commitment to press on, even when confronted by hardship. So, in an effort to appeal to the young voters of America, I spun their rhetoric to announce that I had just signed off on ConocoPhillips going scorched-earth on the pristine natural landscapes of Alaska. In this specific case, the commitment is to the bag, and the hardship is being expected to respect life just a little bit.”
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, Michael Regan, had much to say on the President’s drastic change of opinion on matters of environmental policy.
“How do you think I feel, the person who is literally in charge of protecting the environment, knowing that the guy who appointed me just dropped the worst thing to happen to baby seals since the fur trade?” asked Regan. “Think about it like this. Every time a kid gets too excited and throws up in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese’s, some overworked, underappreciated, and barely financially stable employee has to clean up their mess. Well that’s pretty much what’s happening here, except the consequences of not cleaning up vomit in a ball pit aren’t quite as bad as rising sea levels, extreme weather conditions, and the eventual eradication of all humankind.”
One particularly naive US citizen was eager to share their thoughts on the matter, as well.
“I feel terrible about the irreparable damage this will do to the environment, the native populations of Alaska that will be the most devastated by it, and the fact that we’re gonna have to print a whole bunch of new US flags that only have 49 stars on them,” said the confused but well-intentioned voter. “When Biden was campaigning, he said, and I quote, ‘No more drilling on federal land, period. Period, period, period.’ Obviously this couldn’t have been a lie (I mean he said ‘period’ like four times, and he’s the President for goodness’ sake), but doesn’t that mean Alaska is gonna have to be kicked out of the US by the time drilling starts?”
In a recent press statement, President Biden encouraged Americans to “leave your car idling overnight so that it’s nice and toasty in the morning.”