Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have been held to rigorous institutional review. 

It started with our discussion of going to the Farmers’ Market on Saturday. My opening volley, a 10PM Friday night text, read “yo, summer squash and coffee tomorrow king?” Totally innocuous, as was his response: “facts. summer squash is the GOAT.”

But this assertion bothered me: I don’t think any scientific evidence has firmly established the summer squash as the greatest of all time. Against what criteria can you possibly state squash dominance? Maybe rind palatability, cook speed, hue? But these are all so subjective, and any horticultural botanist with his seasoned salt would stop that opinion from reaching even the Berkeley Undergraduate Journal.

By the next week, it was getting even more flagrant. “Facts, Thai Temple solos.” It takes at least 15 well-trained volunteers to man that operation. “Facts, the 51B is the worst.” Has he ever even considered the diesel people-movers of the Andean ridges? “Pull up, open house tonight.” I don’t think you even listed it with a real estate agent. 

At this point, I don’t think any of these assertions are publishable. Is he just trying to make a fool out of true academic rigor? I tried to bring it up gently. I said “Aidan, don’t you hate it when people make all sorts of claims without proof?” And he responded “facts, those people are the worst.” I think that claim might actually hold up. 

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