PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – Today, Xfinity outlined a new premium pricing arrangement, in which a paltry $19.99 monthly surcharge would reward users with working Wi-Fi. CEO Brian Roberts introduced the policy during a press conference. 

“We have massive respect for our customers,” stated Roberts during a conference that most of his customers couldn’t watch online due to outages, “and realize that in order to serve them best, we need to offer a tier of no-failure Wi-Fi. As such, Xfinity aims to raise funds for improved service by offering a new $39.99 ‘wifi insurance’ to ensure that your service never cuts. Yep, only $59.99. We’ve instituted a guinea pig population test today, focusing on the City of Berkeley, to study the prospective monetary gain from this premium plan. And the best part is, it only costs $99.99.” 

Xfinity’s East Bay Office prodded for further comments on the effects of the policy on UC Berkeley students, but the email never went through due to the outage.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.