BERKELEY, Calif. – An all-knowing being came to a conclusion this morning when you made the life-damning decision of pressing ‘No Tip’ on the iPad. After deliberation by Jesus, the ruling was clear: it’s hell for you.

We understand. You were at your favorite family-owned, ethically-sourced, and environmentally-friendly cafe, which had just raised its espresso price yet again (from $6.99 to $7.59). In these times of inflation, every cent counts, and you were tired of leaving the lowest option of a 15% tip. You couldn’t justify spending any more money before your Ethics 100 lecture. In fact, you were exercising one of the four pillars of ethics you’d learned in class: autonomy. So, guiltily, and looking the sad minimum-wage worker right in the eye, you pressed ‘No Tip’ when they turned the iPad around. Unfortunately, Jesus did not approve of this situation, and immediately decided your eternal fate. The fiery depths of hell now await you.

When asked to comment on the situation, Jesus himself brutally proselytized, “It does not matter that you have no disposable income and that rent prices in Berkeley have skyrocketed. How dare you? How dare you defy the tipping culture that dominates corporate America for your little treat? I turned water into tips! It says so right there in the Holy Bible! I always leave 15% of my heavenly income to financially support your favorite football team’s victory, whenever you pray for it, and this is how you repay me?” Unfortunately, he seemed very sure of his decision. I’m sorry to report that you’ve got a one-way ticket to eternal damnation. 

“The espressos there are $20.49, plus tax and mandatory tip,” according to Carmen Diablo, a Berkeley alumna who had also made this rookie mistake. “You know, hell’s not that bad,” she remarked, between the agonizing bites the balrog ripped from her flesh. “It’s pretty much like the United States, except healthcare is free! Yeah, Satan actually uses all the tips the demons make in the torture chambers to make sure we never worry about health insurance… Wait, what’s that sound–!” After being swallowed by the aforementioned flame monster, Diablo was unavailable for further comment.

At press time, Jesus was seen discreetly leaving no tip with his black card, then turning around with a wary glance to make sure no one noticed.

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