It’s okay that one of your Top Three artists was the Glee Cast, but nobody needs to know that – the world simply isn’t ready for you to go on a long diatribe about how it actually was possible for Santana and one of the Warblers to outdo Michael Jackson on a song when cellos and heteroromantic tension are involved. The solution here is obvious. Rig your Spotify Wrapped. It’s the only way to go.

People will not accept that Doja Cat is in your Top 2 because you listened to her before she wore that shirt with a neo-nazi symbol on it. The world isn’t ready to hear you explain why you still listen to the Hamilton soundtrack despite periodically ranting on your Close Friends story about how the world would be a better place if Disney movies had fewer Lin Manuel Miranda jumpscares. Your friends will not accept the fact that you sometimes listen to the non-Taylor’s Version version of some Taylor Swift songs. 

So, here’s what you should do. Put socially acceptable, cool songs on one single playlist and stream incessantly. Appear cool and esoteric by giving off the impression that you only listen to artists like Frank Ocean and Fiona Apple. If you’re a straight man, beat the misogyny allegations by throwing in a couple of Taylor Swift songs. 

And if you’re thinking, I don’t place my value on what others think of me, or remarking, wow, this author is wildly insecure and self-obsessed, don’t (please). You absolutely should place your entire self-worth on how people perceive you. Everyone is judging you specifically. All of your friends are out to get you if you don’t demonstrate your cool taste in music. I am right about everything and I would never make you feel bad about something so that I could profit from a potential solution sometime in the future.

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