You know that granola bar that’s been at the bottom of your backpack since late August? The one you threw in your bag before class as an antidote to those late-morning tummy rumbles, but never actually got around to eating, and forgot about ever since? Well mine has been to every class I have ever attended, and still has nothing to show for it. So, in an effort to promote equity in educational opportunity for all things cereal, here’s a list of minors I think my traveling granola bar (a Hidden Valley Oats ‘n Honey bar, obviously) should be eligible for:
- Structural Engineering: This thing has been getting hydraulic-pressed at the bottom of my bag on the daily by my Hydroflask for months, and it’s retained its form remarkably well. Sure, there’s some minor crumblage, but the overall integrity is nothing to frown at.
- Nutritional Sciences: Uh, hello? Have you seen the nutrition label on a Hidden Valley Oats ‘n Honey granola bar? Three grams of protein, one milligram of iron, two grams of dietary fiber—these little nutrient bombs might as well have been made in your middle school health teacher’s wet dreams.
- Data Science: If my friend Grant can do it, so can my granola bar. Besides, it’s super applicable to whatever career you end up with, or some shit like that.
- Philosophy: Have you ever stopped to listen to what a granola bar has to say? I didn’t think so. Well you’d be surprised to learn, you close-minded piece of shit, that me and my granola bar had an incredibly enlightening conversation last night about its terrible, painful, dejected existence. Okay, to be fair, I think it was probably just regurgitating Nietzsche, but I’m also not a fucking nerd, so maybe it was off the dome.