WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another bald-faced lie, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump claimed he would be arrested on Tuesday despite his decades-long track record of facing absolutely zero consequences for his crimes.

“They’re coming for me—you know it, I know it—and by next Tuesday I have no doubt that I will be behind bars,” Trump said in a Truth Social post on Friday. “If there’s anything I’ve learned from my years as President, it’s that no one is above the law, and that justice always wins out in the end. For those of you who have spent years investigating my various illegal activities, I want you to know that your efforts have not been in vain. Though your road has been long and you’ve certainly faced several unexpected obstacles, it’s clear that I won’t be getting away this time. After all, at the end of the day, the rich and powerful are subject to the same laws as everyone else.”

Many remain unconvinced of Trump’s statement.

“Does this mango-mugged motherfucker seriously expect us to believe that he’s actually going to face consequences for his crimes?” said Occupy Democrat Vincent Valomie in a Twitter thread on Saturday. “I’m old enough to remember when the Access Hollywood tapes came out, and everyone said it would be the end of his political career. Well, guess what?! The guy went on to become President anyway. Then there was that whole business with Russia, and the fact that he was making private financial deals with Saudi Arabia during his presidency—a clear conflict of interest. He was impeached, and nothing came of it. Then there were the numerous campaign finance violations, and the blatant fraud that was Trump University, and those atrocious NFTs that honestly should have gotten him sent to the Hague. Oh, and did I mention that he tried to overthrow the government? Yeah, he got impeached for that, too, and it resulted in absolutely nothing. This guy literally said he could ‘stand in the middle of Fifth and shoot somebody’ and not lose any voters. It might be the only true thing he’s ever said.”

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has confirmed that there are no plans to detain Donald Trump any time soon.

“Donald? Pffft, nah, dude, why would I arrest him?” said Bragg to reporters after stepping out of a Honey Bucket on Saturday. “On Tuesday, we’re getting drinks at Ardesia and hitting up the Comedy Cellar to see Sam Morril. It should be a fun night, though I can see how some people might think that watching stand-up comedy is a bit like imprisonment. Donald’s always been a good sport about it, though.”

“I will not be a good sport about it,” Trump declared in a post to his Truth Social followers. “Someone—anyone—please rescue me from being forced to watch Sam Morril. If I hear another joke about my skin being orange I swear to God I’m storming the Capitol myself. I don’t care anymore. I’d rather spend the rest of my life at Rikers than spend another night at the fucking Comedy Cellar.”

In other news, Henry Kissinger has claimed that God will smite him “any day now” for his role in bombing Cambodian villages during the 60’s.

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