BERKELEY, Calif. — A new study by graduating senior Cal Fournier has just revealed that student researchers are plagued by an insatiable urge to talk about their thesis to anyone within earshot.
“I realized that I had a problem when my phone began autocorrecting ‘this’ to ‘thesis’ after I compulsively texted my entire contact list about my new pursuits,” explained Fournier. “Turns out, I’m not alone in this compulsion to share my academic endeavors with the world — four out of five undergraduate honors students experience the same! I’m planning to expand this work in my master’s thesis.”
Despite the attention Fournier’s work has garnered, some skeptics—including physics postdoctoral researcher Paige Turner— have spoken out against it.
“I mean, let’s be real here, who on earth actually loves their thesis enough to talk about it constantly? I definitely didn’t go around gushing about mine to anyone who will listen. It was so traumatizing that my therapist probably knows more about my research topic than she does about me, seeing how often it comes up in our sessions,” said Turner. “And as for Fournier’s survey, well, let’s just say his sample size is about as small as his chances of getting published in a real academic journal — and being featured in The Free Peach doesn’t count. But hey, when you’re an undergrad, everything seems groundbreaking and revolutionary, am I right?”
When challenged on the flaws in Fournier’s analysis, psychology professor Ivor H. Tower, defended his student’s work with zeal.
“Ms. Turner’s own behavior demonstrates that the urge to share the details of one’s academic work, even in a negative light, is a universal human experience,” Tower retorted. “As someone with extensive experience in academia, I can confidently say that Fournier’s study is both insightful and valid. Why the skepticism? Academic research is fascinating and everyone knows it! The undergrads in my classes hang on to every word when I go on tangents about my doctoral work on the psychology of self-absorption.”
At press time, sources close to Fournier report that he has updated his Tinder bio to include a detailed rundown of his thesis, convinced that his scholarly prowess will make him irresistible to potential matches.