BERKELEY, Calif. — According to reports from his professors, GSIs, and classmates, New Jersey exchange student Benny Shoobie has been having trouble adjusting to the English-language mode of instruction at UC Berkeley.

“I know it’s not [Shoobie’s] fault for growing up in another culture, but unfortunately the language barrier is becoming a real issue,” said English Professor Cristina Matthews, who has Shoobie in one of her afternoon classes. “For example, the other day, I had a staff meeting in the morning and had to skip breakfast. By the time I was delivering my lecture, my tummy started rumbling really loudly, and when it did, Benny yelled out, ‘Jeet yet?’. Now, I have no idea what ‘jeet’ is, so I said, ‘I don’t know’. Then he randomly blurted out, ‘Jet?’ and I said, ‘Where?’ and he said, ‘Fugghedaboutit’ and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.”

Shoobie’s peers have experienced similar trouble trying to communicate with him.

“Bruh, this man just says the most jank shit,” said Shoobie’s roommate and lifelong Californian Kareem Habib. “Like, we’re driving up Highway 101 on our way to pick up some Costco pizza, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to turn out, so I ask Benny, ‘What exit?’ and he responds, ‘Exit 3’. It turns out there is no Exit 3, so I tell him that, and he’s just like, ‘oh no Exit 3 is just where I’m from in Jersey, na mean?’. I have no idea how you can be from an exit, but whatever. Anyway, we’ve missed the correct exit by this point, so I take the next one and now have to take a left turn. But Benny insists I stick to the right lane so I can take the ‘jughandle’, whatever the hell that is. Well – guess what – there is no fucking ‘jughandle’, so I have to slide really fast from the right lane to the left lane to make my turn. Benny accuses me of a ‘reverse Jersey slide’ and says I drive like I’m from Pennsylvania. That’s supposed to be an insult, I think? Somehow, we eventually make it to Costco, and I tell him to get gas while I go get the pizza. But then I remember that they don’t have self-serve gas in New Jersey, because Benny immediately rolls down the window and yells, ‘fillitupcashregular!’ like that’s supposed to do something. I try explaining to him how to use a self-serve station, including how to put your credit or debit card in the slot, and he facepalms and complains that he forgot his ‘Mac’ at home. I tell him that he doesn’t need his computer, but I guess ‘Mac’ is just what he calls his debit card? It’s pretty clear at this point that he’s totally lost so I hand him some cash and tell him to just go and get the pizza while I take care of the gas. He comes back twenty minutes later with two apple pies. ‘I asked them for two large pies, I don’t know why those stunads gave me these,’ he says. Jesus fucking Christ. Next year, I just want a roommate who speaks English.”

For his part, Benny claims that he speaks perfectly good English. Or maybe he doesn’t claim this; honestly, our editorial team had a hard time deciphering what he said. For the sake of journalistic integrity, we are publishing his full, untranslated statement:

“Youse all act like a buncha real stunads here, na mean? No pork rolls, no rippers, no disco fries, no fat sandwiches – can’t even get a decent tomato pie in this place! Oh, what I would do for some wooder ice with jimmies. Isn’t there a Wawa anywhere around here? I’d settle for a simple hoagie with mutz at this point.”

At press time, Shoobie was perplexing both his English-speaking and Jersey-speaking classmates by claiming that he comes from ‘Central Jersey’.

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