BERKELEY, Calif. — AGRS 139 students everywhere were seen scrambling this morning after receiving an email from Ancient Architecture Professor Marcus Cognomen detailing their midterm project.
“Listen, if I just work continuously, I can meet this deadline.” said sophomore Jacob Thorpe. “Maybe it took the Romans so long to build Rome simply because there were no Home Depots nearby.”
As some students were stripping their hardware and craft stores clean, others were left confused and out of options. With no historically-accurate lions, model ionic columns, or replicant aqueducts to spice up their bustling hubs of ancient Mediterranean living, students turned to Professor Cognomen directly for guidance, only to be met with results lost in translation.
“I should have known this class would have been intense, especially considering prof’ refused to call it anything but AGRS-CXXXIX.” said junior Mike Stinton. “Y’know, I emailed him with some questions, and all he wrote back was, and I quote, ‘Persici liberum amo legere. Sum magis discus jockey quam Tohar,’ like, come on, what does that even mean?”
The large scale of each students’ project has begun to spill out of Berkeley and over into surrounding city-states. Some are beginning to wonder what this imperial conquest could mean for the future and stability of Berkeley’s political society.
“Cognomen’s decision is just ridiculous—I can’t just sit by and do nothing,” said AGRS 139 GSI Brutus Poplicola. “Hopefully, me and the 59 other GSIs can have a talk with him before the upcoming final.”