BERKELEY, Calif. — A recently conducted survey of UC Berkeley students shows that physical illness might be the newest self-care hack trend among the youth.

With flu season upon us, many students say “no” to staying hydrated, getting 8 hours of sleep, or eating 3 meals daily. “Who the hell has time for traditional self-care anymore,” said junior Cal student Tammy Sampson. “I have 3 and 1/4 midterms this week! I mean, isn’t it a sunk cost fallacy if I take care of myself so I won’t get sick? Instead of wasting time eating 3 meals a day, showering, or breathing, I just wait for my body to manually reset…or pass out, or whatever!”

According to the mother of the “sick self-care” movement, student influencer Alyssa Lin, the hack only has one simple step: “Just focus on the other things in life, and your body will manifest its own health,” said Alyssa. “Inner body saunas will raise your temperature to a nice factory reset level, and that’s when your body will take over and make the manual rest.”

Despite increasing concern from family members of various students, the “sick self-care” trend has only grown in popularity at Cal. “Yes, at first, I was like this is bullshit,” exclaimed freshman student Jonathan Hefner while shotgunning a Yerba Mate, “but then I had like five midterms in like a day, and I thought to myself, getting physically sick is the only way I can actually make time to take care of health. God, I have not slept in like 5 days. Maybe that’s affecting my judgment? Now, if you will excuse me, I’m off to lick the ground on Sproul. Wish me luck!” 

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