SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib directly addressed UC President Michael Drake.
“Drake, you know that we’ve been talking about this for a long time… and we think it’s time to bring in a co-president,” Leib announced. “We’ve decided to go with your new stepbrother, Michael Josh.”
Shocked gasps (and an unprompted laugh track) consumed UCSD’s Mandeville Auditorium as board member Nick Eaulodian continued the statement.
“That’s right, Drake – Josh has all those qualities we know will perfectly match yours,” said Eaulodian. “Your famous bad-boy attitude (like not showing up to the bargaining table)? Complemented by Josh’s goody-two-shoes moralism; he would never agree to selling Memorial Stadium’s naming rights to FTX. Your smoldering good looks? Michael Josh looks like someone made a hand puppet out of beef stew. Oh and that $6.5 mil house we bought you in Berkeley? Well, we decided to sell it – you two are moving in together here in San Diego!”
A flurry of canned “oooooooo”s punctuated the silence, just as Michael Josh appeared at the hall’s entrance.
“Whaddup, fellas?” Josh asserted in a statement that contained no comedic content whatsoever but was nonetheless accompanied by five full seconds of canned laughter. “Looks like I’m going to be working with you, Drake!” Michael Josh extended an open hand towards Michael Drake, but was left hanging.
“Too slow, lame-o!” remarked Drake, to a full 12 seconds of nearly-identical canned laughter.
This interaction was followed by yet another five seconds of canned laughter, after which Josh peered directly into a camera that didn’t exist, narrowed his eyes, and grumbled, “this can only be the work of one villain…”
Professor Megan Hopkins of the UCSD School of Education entered the room.
“MEGAN!” ejaculated Josh, overcome with vitriol.
“Settle down boys,” Lieb continued in a tone that reminds one of a made-for-TV-actor that’s only ever done commercials. “Now get used to working together – I could foresee like three whole years of this, and maybe even two movies!”
After a few months of cooperation, (Michaels) Drake and Josh were spotted in a parked car in Downtown Berkeley. Expert lip readers reconstructed their conversation:
Drake: “Are you upset because we killed Grinnell?”
Josh: “No, it’s because it’s a little humid– YES IT’S BECAUSE WE KILLED GRINNELL!”
At press time, the UC Regents announced that they had big plans for a new program in which international students hosted a web show, tentatively named iHouse.
[Note: This headline was conceived by Shane Pauker, former editor of The Free Peach and pickler]