Obviously, there is no way an email from UC Berkeley’s Chancellor sent to the entire student body would only contain frivolous information. Every email sent to the thousands of students at Cal is a crucial read. Yet, sometimes, for some reason, it can feel a bit challenging to get through a full email from Carol T. Christ. Here’s a drinking game to help you get through Dead Week and all of Carol T. Christ’s absolutely necessary emails.*
1. Every time she offers you, and the other 45,000 students here, a chance to win like 3 amazon gift cards.
2. Every time some random person wins some random award
3. Take a shot whenever she disparages a minority group. Carol’s an asshole sometimes, maybe the shot will help you cope a little in the moment.
4. Every time she refuses to acknowledge my proposal to box her on pay-per-view television.
5. Whenever she passive-aggressively criticizes the student body for actually caring about the people in People’s Park.
6. Anytime she doesn’t refer to People’s Park as People’s Park, and instead further dehumanizes the entirety of the situation.
7. Whenever you get more than 3 emails from Carol in a day.
8. Drink every time she doesn’t capitalize the C’s in her classic opening “Dear campus community.”
9. Drink every time she capitalizes the C’s in campus community.
10. Take a shot whenever Carol tells you your personal info got leaked on the dark web.
11. Drink whenever she signs an email:
Carol T. Christ
12. Any time she almost directly addresses an actual issue but instead completely dances around the topic.
13. Drink whenever one of her paragraphs has more than 200 words.
14. Whenever you only read the four bold words in the email.
15. Anytime she mentions Marc Fisher.
16. Anytime she hits you up using her Office of the Executive Vice Chancellor & Provost (campus-wide) email and not her personal email.
17. Anytime she lets you know someone won a Nobel Prize.
18. Whenever you see the words “pulse survey.”
19. Anytime she rickrolls you with one of the hyperlinks in her emails (like half of them are rickrolls, it’s actually kind of crazy).
20. Anytime you have a suspicion that she didn’t actually write her own email.
*You must be over the age of 21 to consume alcohol. Please drink responsibly.