SAN FRANCISCO – U.S. President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping made strides towards a stronger alliance by reaching a diplomatic agreement to be horrible countries together during the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit this past week. 

“We are no longer going to argue about funding the military-industrial complex or waste our time sparring over semiconductors. The answer is clear: we must work together to continue the pursuit of both,” announced Biden, blushing while looking longingly at Xi. “Furthermore, we’ve agreed to equally split our division of countries to meddle in – with China in Africa and us in the Middle East – as long as we do it, united, together, with equal provisions of atrocities. I’m looking forward to continuing our long-distance relationship, err, our alliance, together.”

President Xi expressed similar optimism in his address after the American president.

“The key issue here is innovation,” emphasized Xi. “Particularly, we aim to expand the social potential of technology through expanding our censorship capabilities and our social credit rating system. Through my time with Biden, I discovered we had a lot more in common than I thought, namely, our mutual pursuit of human rights violations, hegemony, deep institutionalism, and our love for long walks on the beach. Furthermore, we are committed to curbing the rising fentanyl crisis by moving the crisis somewhere else. Also, I love American culture – excluding Winnie the Pooh. Don’t you dare mention that around me.”

At press time, when questioned by other officials about pressing humanitarian and policy issues, Biden and Xi chose to shift APEC’s focus to the exchange of more fluffy pandas between China and the United States.

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