Ah yes, you can hear the fire cracking over the familial chatter in the other room, and the spirit of giving and love is omnipresent – no wonder the holidays trigger you. Probably no one has ever gone through anything worse, maybe in all of history? It is especially hard to feel secure in your negativity during the holiday about being thankful for others, but that shouldn’t stop you! Don’t let your family gaslight you into thinking you are the problem. I have compiled four common signs that your family is in fact TOXIC, determined by rock-solid research and basic facts (my opinion). So this holiday, skip the emotional labor of looking for an issue – this list provides you with plenty of bones to pick, and how to pick them.
1. The Classic ‘Post-Grad’ Question
We’ve all been there: you’re stuffing your face with a dry piece of turkey you didn’t make but definitely criticized vocally, and suddenly your Aunt Susan who works in special-ed and volunteers at the soup kitchen wants to claim another victim and asks you the dreaded “What are your plans for after college?” Feel insecure or nervous about the future? That’s a physiological sign that you are being emotionally abused and illegally harassed. Don’t show signs of fear, just dial 911!
2. Frying the Turkey
Dinner is served! It comes out on the silver platter you’re used to but the turkey is… fried? So, you have one of those moms or grandmas. Or another — possibly male — person in your family. The identity of the chef doesn’t matter, you just know it for sure wasn’t gonna be you. While this may simply seem like a lazy attempt to subvert the cultural pressure around having a perfect Thanksgiving dinner, it was actually an organized attack against you and your personal preferences. For this one, we don’t recommend the cops, the carving knife will do!
3. Asking You to “Set the Table” or Whatever that Means
This one speaks for itself. Your uncle who is fed up with you being ‘spoiled’ (AKA, just exercising your basic human right to demand everything you want) asks you to pitch in by setting out the forks and knives. Yeah, no. TOXIC. It’s called “Thanksgiving break,” not “Thanksgiving set the table for your wheelchair bound grandma.” The resolution to this one is not so cut and dried (like the turkey), because like I always say, NEVER negotiate with the enemy. Giving in and tossing some utensils on the table could open the floodgates for more exploitative labor inquiries from relatives, like “could you pass the potatoes” or “give me a hug.”
4. Taking Family Photos
Your whole family is here, and while you recognize its rarity, you fail to see why it’s so great. Uncle Ben’s family smells like pork rinds and breakfast sausage, Aunt Lola is harassing everyone about being pregnant, and your cousin is flaunting her “drawing” of grandma. It shouldn’t matter that she is seven, someone should tell her it looks like shit. And suddenly the true motivation behind the family photo is clear! It’s not about togetherness, it’s about catching YOU in the same image as them so it can be posted on Instagram and cause you to lose followers. Here’s a solution: Wear a Halloween mask in the group shot, and eat dinner in your room to avoid any candids. Bonus tip: At the end of the party, throw Grammie’s iPhone 6 into the gravy just to be sure she can’t tag you in anything.