Few things unify the Berkeley student body. Sure, rushedly ignoring Sproul donut salespeople, feeling despair at missing the 51B, and regretting trying that new Trader Joe’s frozen dinner (we all know it won’t beat the Pesto Pizza) all signify a shared experience, but none are more universal than puking your guts out into one of our esteemed campus fountains–right?

As a connoisseur of the classic fountain-yak, I demand only the finest receptacle for drunken, midnight pizzas and cheap liquor! With my depth of knowledge, I have created the definitive ranking of the top two fountains to puke in on campus:

2. Hearst Mining Fountain

This locals-only spot is impressive for newbie ralphers and seasoned professionals alike to spew up their guts in the utmost style! The unique intersecting rings sitting in the placid pool provide an enriching challenge to engage with for any inebriated student! I recommend wading into the ankle-deep reservoir and trying to arc the angle of your vomit to leap through the hoops like rancid green dolphins tailing a ship. Even more fortuitous, its close proximity to the Greek welcomes the weak-stomached to indulge in its sultry pleasures after one too many $8 beers at the 311 concert.

While the Hearst Mining Fountain has so much going for it, a few noticeable drawbacks cement this fountain in second place. For instance, it simply does not draw enough of a crowd— it’s impressive but where’s the spectacle? You’re already twenty yards away from any spectator by the time you’re engaging in your bile-projecting passion project! With little-to-no foot traffic from the street, your special moment is left between you and the fountain. Maybe that’s a boon to the shy, but I demand grandissimo pukes!

1. Ludwig’s Fountain

Oh wow. I mean can you even blame me for putting this here? A Friday afternoon vomit in Ludwig’s Fountain is the definition of elegance. It’s unmatched by anything on this mortal coil. Usurping the top spot from Hearst Mining Fountain, Ludwig’s offers notable improvements in many fields. With a convenient position between Sather and Bancroft, there is a crowd at all hours to witness your performance as you empty the contents of your stomach into the bubbling waters! The central campus location encourages a wide variety of students to pop in between classes for a sesh (an inclusivity win), while the ambient buzz of the crowd helps mask the more unpleasant sounds coming from blowing your chunks. With Telegraph just south, Ludwig’s pool cultivates opportunities for anyone to grab one of those overloaded Chipotle burritos and get just enough food poisoning to participate! It is a little far from frat-row, but the proximity to Artichoke’s invites enough inebriated students into the vicinity, allowing for a tasteful distance from the center of action while still targeting the most nauseated groups. In a supreme upgrade, the pathos of the fountain’s moniker is unparalleled; Hearst was a corrupt capitalist without morals, but Ludwig is either a dog or Bowser’s henchman (the one with the blue hair from Mario Kart)! There is no beating Ludwig’s for the refined person’s vomit experience, placing it comfortably at our #1 pick. 

Honorable mention: Class of 1914 Fountain

There is NO WAY I’m walking all the way up there to vomit, honestly. Bonus points for being so close to Haas, though. Business kids do get me in the mood for a vom! 

Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article claimed that Ludwig von Koopa is Bowser’s son. The most recent canonical works in the Super Mario universe, however, treat the Koopalings as associates of Bowser and maintain that Bowser Jr. is Bowser’s only child.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.