IRVINE, Calif. – As strike week continues, many have grown increasingly frustrated with the dysfunction in the UC’s bargaining strategy. Under the condition of anonymity, one of UAW’s lead negotiators agreed to recount the harrowing gridlock at the table.

“Well first of all, the UC forgot to book a room on campus,” our source shared. “So there we are, losing out on a room with a conference table because ‘League of Legends Club at UCI’ booked first. So the negotiations got moved to a folding table on Sproul Plaza up at UC Berkeley, because apparently anyone can be there… as long as they’re deemed ‘acceptable’ by the UC. You know, ‘free speech’ right? Anyway, here comes Chancellor Carol Christ from Sproul Hall, holding a paper Safeway bag.”

A second union leader present was forthcoming with more details on UAW’s interaction with Christ.

“We made it very clear that we need COLA: Cost-of-Living-Adjustments. Anyone could get that, right? Well Carol strides over (very obviously walking slowly so it looks like she’s in slo-mo), hands us a Pepsi, and says ‘we hear you loud and clear, all UAW strikers get free colas!’ Uplifting, royalty-free music was just blasting from somewhere behind us – and I could swear she looked right into a camera?” 

An onlooking striker, Carrie Staklass, who was standing adjacent to the incident, retold the events from her perspective. 

“Let me just say, the most awkward 20 seconds of silence I’ve ever endured,” recollected Staklass. “The Chancellor kept acting like handing us a Pepsi was going to completely solve the strike. I have no idea who gave her that idea – I mean it feels like some high-power Madison-Avenue marketing bull. And how she broke the silence was worse – at least twice she muttered ‘Pepsi is better than Coke’ because ‘it wears blue like me.’ The rest of us just shuffled our feet while the vague royalty-free music got louder, and someone in the crowd yelled ‘CUT!’”

When reached for comment, the UC Regents’ communications department confirmed that they “need to offload a lot of coke” but “not in the way frat row does it.”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.