BERKELEY, Calif. — In the Northside Safeway earlier today, 32-year old Uma Bilikel’s water broke while grocery shopping. The 9-months pregnant woman was picking up some tuna and menthols before she was rushed to the nearest hospital. Thankfully, she’s now receiving care from Alamedea County’s slay-est.

“Heyyyy everyone, GRWM as I’m about to deliver this old lady’s baby,” said Ivy Sutton as she propped her iPhone 14 against a much-needed bag of ice chips. “Um, excuse me,” said Sutton in a much more subdued voice, “the vibes are totally off right now. Do you mind if we shift your hospital bed to the hallway? It gets better lighting.” 

Hospital officials admit that they have had to take a multitude of repeated disciplinary actions with Sutton. Kaiser Permanente of Oakland board president Wei Tu-Eckspenseive recounts:

“We’ve had all sorts of issues with Sutton. Once, we had a patient 7-months along come in for an ultrasound, when suddenly Sutton pulled out her phone and began to Facetune the baby. Honestly, the fetus looked great in that pic, but we couldn’t let this behavior continue. After that, we decided to restrict her to only one video per shift of her crying in the hallway after a patient dies.”

Sutton, however, views her contributions to the medical center quite differently. When pressed for comment, Sutton was eager to explain. 

“Is this going online? OMG, we should totally collab. This is such great content; make sure to tag my midwifing account @baller_ass_babies, my personal @ivy_sutton_u_be_standin, my Etsy page @placenta_candles, my photography account @photogenic_fetus, my finsta @bertha_canals, my…”

Two minutes pass

“… @ostrich_fucker_official. So anyway, everyone always says ‘I’ll always remember the special moment I give birth.’ Really? You’re going to remember an epidural so strong the Sacklers could market it to underprivileged communities? Nope, it’s way better when I’m there to make a multimedia collage of the most private and intimate moments of people’s lives. I mean, what do you think nurses do? I’m not a doctor.”

At press time, the Health Department of Alameda County sent out a brief memo condemning “invasions of reproductive privacy,” and asking, “song name?”

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