Recently, university staff have announced that Moffitt, the beloved school library and best place for crying before finals, will be closed for the Spring 2022 semester. During closure, the university has planned seismic upgrade construction due to “earthquakes”. Of course, everyone knows “earthquakes” refers to the ground-shaking tremors of my voluptuous ass, and the only “fault line” they are talking about is the one that starts at my lower back and runs downward towards my thighs.

Part of this upgrade includes wrapping the 86 columns of the building with the strength of 7 Oskis and collecting the tears of undergraduate STEM majors to mix reinforced concrete for the foundation. These changes are meant to change Moffitt’s UC Earthquake Safety Rating from a measly “1” to a solid “4”, in terms of how many steps I can take into the library before gravity pulls me ass-first through the floors of the building.

The closure of Moffitt has prompted the university to prepare for the influx of more students in other study spaces, extending the hours of Main Stacks and Doe Library to be open until 2 AM Thursday through Sunday, which the university is undoubtedly correct to assume is prime studying time. While Main Stacks could certainly benefit from having more students to make it seem less bleak and dreary, Doe Library’s primary purpose as a backdrop for taking pictures will be obstructed by all these annoying kids who are here to study for some reason.


Photograph by Maddie Fruman for the Daily Californian. 

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