With a new semester comes a new Tang visits, including from our very own Carol Christ. In order to show love for our University Health Services, Chancellor Christ left proudly wearing stickers that said: “Drinking water boosts your concentration!”,  “The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today!” and leftover from November, “Have a Happy Healthy Thanksgiving Bears!”

To prove what responsible sexual health looks at the mighty Tang, Carol got her annual pap smear, screened for all STDs, and consented to get finger blasted by the local nurse: all in the name of health!

When the results came back the next week, Carol nearly fainted: positive, how could she have Chlamydia? Could your vibrator give you Chlamydia? She called the Tang Center before the situation got out of hand. She could just hear the students chanting, “Carol Christ? More like Carol has Chlamydia.”

“This must be a mistake, how could I, the prestigious Chancellor of the number two public University have Chlamydia?”  Christ lamented. 

But luckily for her, the Tang Center frantically called her later that evening notifying her that her results were confused with “Chad”.

“How could you possibly confuse those two names?”

“Sorry, ma’am we’re a little busy right now with this Chlamydia outbreak. I’m sorry I am going to have to put you on hold. If we had more funding we’d be able to stay on the line.”

Meanwhile, on the other side of campus Chad opens his results, all clear. To say he was surprised would be an understatement. He for sure thought that fucking that goat last week at DKE would have given him some kind of disease.


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