Freshman Edgar Fontaine, after staring at a blank, blindingly white Google Docs document for 2 hours, came to the grappling realization this evening that the club he recently joined entails doing actual work.
REPORT: You Just Had To Be There
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.
“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”
This Article Was Written Entirely by AI
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor proclaimed that they were a failed econ quiz.
Professor Requires Students to Buy Tiny, Homunculus Clones of Him from Copy Central
“Textbooks are bulky, expensive, and information-bloated, so I’ve sent off only the key information to get duplicated at Copy Central,” Professor Sirico wrote on page 12 of his 53-page course syllabus. “For about $20, you can pick up a copy of me who knows all the course content. He will not, however, know basic stuff like toilet training or which fork goes where at fancy dinner parties, so teaching that to him is on you. In fact, his ability to use the toilet is going to be worth a quarter of your final grade. Good luck!”
5 Originals That Are Better Than Their Knockoffs (You Won’t Believe Number #3)
Everyone loves a good original idea. Except, when someone takes your original idea and copies it. Then everyone loves an unoriginal idea. Capitalism, am I right? But some copies are overhyped. Here are five examples of originals that are better than their overrated knockoffs.
I’m A Republican and I Think COVID-19 Is Nothing Compared To Those Scary Clowns From 2016
America, we will never be able to agree on everything. We all want what’s best for our country, and we all have different ideas of …
Pathetic! Self-proclaimed funny Cal Student doesn’t even write for The Free Peach
Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, chances are you have.
Celebrities Who Inexplicably Look Exactly Alike?
Donald Glover and Childish Gambino!?!!?!?!
Are You “Feeling the Bern” Or Do You Just Have a UTI?
Could the source of this strong, visceral feeling inside possibly be caused by your deep support of Bernie Sanders, the socialist star of the 2020 Democratic presidential race, or do you have a semi-serious medical condition?
In Another Massive Overreaction, the ASUC Judicial Council Decides To Publicly Execute Carol Christ Over A Parking Ticket
Yet, there is already a central takeaway. Democracy functions best when built upon the broad shoulders of bureaucratic technicalities.