REPORT: You Just Had To Be There

BERKELEY, Calif. — According to recent reports regarding the incident that happened last Friday on Sproul Plaza, you really just had to be there.

“Honestly, there’s no way written journalism can adequately capture what happened,” declared Valmic Mukund, the Free Peach journalist who was in charge of investigating the incident. “Like, I could try to talk about it, or maybe draw some pictures, but regardless, you would lose so much critical context that it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, don’t you have better things to do than read a shitty article about some event on campus? Go take a walk, hang out with a friend, call your mom, do your homework, or something. Hell, if you’re really interested in what’s happening on Sproul Plaza, you could always just go there.”

Professor Requires Students to Buy Tiny, Homunculus Clones of Him from Copy Central

“Textbooks are bulky, expensive, and information-bloated, so I’ve sent off only the key information to get duplicated at Copy Central,” Professor Sirico wrote on page 12 of his 53-page course syllabus. “For about $20, you can pick up a copy of me who knows all the course content. He will not, however, know basic stuff like toilet training or which fork goes where at fancy dinner parties, so teaching that to him is on you. In fact, his ability to use the toilet is going to be worth a quarter of your final grade. Good luck!”