America, we will never be able to agree on everything. We all want what’s best for our country, and we all have different ideas of how to go about it. In the midst of a global pandemic, it’s important for us to put our differences aside, come together, and support each other however we can. We Republicans would like your vote this November, so we’ll concede that the ever-growing COVID-19 pandemic is a bad look for President Trump. There is a catastrophic shortage of tests, healthcare workers are lacking life-saving personal protective equipment, and there is still very little knowledge about how to treat this virus. However, we’d like to put this in perspective. Yes, this pandemic is pretty bad. But consider this: we, as a country, got through that one summer with all of those scary clowns. 

America, we all remember the clowns. These knife-wielding fiends were jumping out from bushes and scaring our brave citizens. They were spotted in forests, college campuses, and outside of private residences. Some even ran for president on a platform inspired by democratic socialism! Get it? We mean Bernie Sanders. We think he’s a clown! Surely, donning a clown costume and staring menacingly at a child is more dangerous than — and we’re just spitballing here — a sitting president suggesting that people inject themselves with bleach. We don’t know about you, but we’d argue that a little online school is nothing compared to looking into the soulless eyes of a clown. 

Yes, President Trump was told that COVID-19 posed a threat in January and declined to act. Yes, he delayed the roll-out of stimulus checks so that he could put his signature on them. But you know what President Trump had absolutely no connection to? The clown that stood on a woman’s doorstep, picked up a pumpkin, and hacked at it multiple times with a machete. Indeed, this crime against humanity happened under the Obama administration, which raises certain suspicions. We know how we’ll be using OUR stimulus checks: to get #ClownGate trending on Twitter. (NOTE: In these unprecedented times, it’s important to spend money on things that make you happy. If manipulating a social media platform isn’t in your budget right now, consider starting a war.)

The last couple of months were defined by our fears, and we believe we can provide a semblance of stability by defending what really matters. To us, that means helping you, the voter, put things in perspective. Good things are happening! President Trump said he’d consider pardoning Joe Exotic. Time spent exclusively inside means that Mitch McConnell is no longer melting. While the shelter in place orders are devastating for small businesses like Walmart and Chipotle, it means that those disgusting little clowns will be holed inside their homes. So, this fall, just remember: COVID-19 is NOTHING to the nation that won the War On Clowns. 

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