BERKELEY, Calif. — Theta Chi brother Cameron Awbrey recently unveiled his fraternity’s new policy for addressing the spread of COVID-19.
“The tragedy of this pandemic is insurmountable; it’s the event that will forever define my youth, and its effects will shake generations to come. My bros and I recognize that COVID-19 disproportionately affects racial and ethnic minority groups, and that poor people lack access to the health resources that their wealthier counterparts might have,” lamented Awbrey. “The nice thing is that I’m pretty sure none of us fit those demographics, so, uh, we Gucci.”
Awbrey’s colleague, Chi Phi sophomore Hayden West, had a more capitalistic theory of the virus’ spread through fraternities.
“There’s a massive supply of COVID, for sure, but no demand. If nobody wants it, the supply’s gonna go down soon enough. We’ve just gotta wait it out. It’s Econ 101,” explained West, who has never taken an economics course. “Sure, there are gonna be some winners and some losers, so what?” he asked, passing the boof to another brother. “That’s, the free market, baby.”
Hearing the voices of Berkeley’s impassioned Greek community, Frankie Lyman, President of the Cal Interfraternity Council, made a statement this past Wednesday.
“I know what you’re all thinking: maybe we’re screwed. Be real, dingus. Germ theory? COVID? Like, really? What do you think that little man’s gonna do to me? I can take that little bitch. Bring it on. BRING IT ON,” Lyman challenged the SARS-CoV-2 virus, his biceps tearing the sleeves on his blazer.
As students flock back to the Bay Area, experts predict COVID-19 will sweep through the frats for about a week, before it decides that Greek life isn’t really its scene.