Though recent vaccinations have catapulted Southside Berkeley into an era where the phrase “I know a brother” no longer doubles as a form of contact …
Student Claiming Evans Hall Is Beautiful Diagnosed With Covid Due to Lack of Taste
Sophomore Mark Wright was immediately quarantined this morning following reports that he praised Evans Hall’s appearance.
Unvaccinated Friend Group Posts Spring Break Photo Claiming to Be Vaccinated, Spits in Waitress’ Face
“Just me and the homies Chet, Juliette, Klett, and Cishett kickin’ it in the 305!” Bennett captioned a maskless Instagram photo of a crowded beachside bar.
Cal Football Announces 2021 Giveaways
BERKELEY, Calif. — With hopes of having Fall 2021 games be attended in-person, Cal football has announced its giveaway lineup. This upcoming season’s giveaways include …
Entirety of US Surveillance State Gears Up for Upcoming CS 70 Final
BERKELEY, Calif. – With an eye turned toward looming final exams, Berkeley EECS administrators held a press conference Tuesday regarding their proctoring policy: “I’m sure …
OPINION: Why My COVID Antibodies Make My Cum Taste Better
There are already SO many reasons why girls should give me head. To name a few: 1) because it feels good for me, 2) because …
New Scientific Study Finds Coronavirus Immunity in Former FitTea Models
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The novel coronavirus has presented innumerable uncertainties to the global population, with scientists and doctors worldwide scrambling to create a vaccine …
President Trump Endorses Eighth Grader’s COVID-19 Fart Test
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to White House Chief Fart Correspondent William Barr, President Trump has officially come out in support of the COVID-19 Fart Test …
Cal Fraternities to Reevaluate Bid System After COVID-19 Enters Uninvited
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley Fraternity TKE held an emergency meeting to reevaluate the bid system following reports that COVID-19 entered 100 percent of their parties uninvited, …
Trump Slams Bane in Tweet For Issuing Mask Mandate, Abolishing Gotham Police
GOTHAM — President Trump attacked Bane in a furious tweet earlier this morning over his recent decisions to issue a mandatory mask mandate in Gotham. …