LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The novel coronavirus has presented innumerable uncertainties to the global population, with scientists and doctors worldwide scrambling to create a vaccine to bring an end to the pandemic.
However, a distinct group of individuals might not need to worry about a vaccine, or even the coronavirus, anymore. A scientific study conducted by celebrity plastic surgeon Terry Dubrow and a hologram of Dr. Jonas Salk revealed that FitTea models possess the necessary antibodies for complete immunity to COVID-19. These groundbreaking results have spread waves of relief across social-climbers, narcissists, and self-proclaimed “attention whores” from coast to coast, particularly centered in the Los Angeles area.
Before you take out your credit cards, the radical team of doctors want to emphasize that this immunity only extends to those socialites who have consumed FitTea prior to 2016. This is because the active ingredients in FitTea have been building the antibodies overtime, and therefore take about four years to be strong enough to resist the virus.
This revolutionary discovery has also provided insight as to why so many influencers and reality stars have been behaving as though there is no public health crisis.
“I think the biggest realization I’ve realized with this discovery is that when you have money and a tiny waistline, there are no consequences in life,” said former FitTea sellout Kylie Jenner. “I’m just relieved I’m not confined to my Calabasas mansion anymore, because I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.”
FitTea’s unintentional biological manipulation of social media influencers has created an elite group of superhumans who cannot transmit or become infected with COVID-19. Just when society was becoming worried that the coronavirus would continue to severely impact communities, FitTea prevailed to preserve the people who are most deserving of these special protections: rich girls with hair extensions.
If we had only listened to visionary influencers like Kylie Jenner, Vanessa Hudgens, and Khloe Kardashian back in 2016, we too could have had COVID-19 immunity for the low price of $24.95.
In response to this breakthrough in medicine and immunology, FitTea founder Michael Gonzales has been nominated for the Nobel Prize. Way to go, Mike!