BERKELEY, Calif. — Havoc broke out Saturday as a KA brother unleashed unknowable power upon his peers.
“Who hath dared to party-foul Zeus, Ruler of the Olympians?” boomed a white-haired, heavily bearded bro. “The festivals of man have long amused the gods, but they have now assumed strength fit for no mere mortal! I came to slum with young humans to partake in the sacred ichor that is Fireball and to fuck their women, but what do I find? I find only men who laugh at plague and pestilence; I find men who laugh at gods.”
Zeus turned his attention to one young man sporting a tank top and flat-brimmed baseball cap.
“You, Tyler, will stand punishment for the transgressions of your men,” threatened the god. “It was you, after all, who called yourself the ‘God of Flip-Cup.’ But alas! No mortal can best a god in that most ancient of games. For the rest of time you will be trapped in a pool of White Claw™ with Doritos™ just overhead, yet you will find both forever out of reach.”
News of Tyler’s punishment has sparked panic among local fraternities, who each wonder if they’re next.
“I’m, like, hoping he’ll spare us,” reported DKE junior Logan Kennedy. “I mean, we’ve done everything right. We got one of our brothers hired by Oracle. We boned some virgins. Hell, we even sacrificed a goat to the dude! I mean, like, I get that he’s mad about our arrogance, but hear me out. My body is a temple. If I want to worship the big man upstairs, I’ve gotta worship the little man, too, y’know? That’s life, muchacho.”
As fraternities continue their panic, sororities seem relatively calm.
“Honestly, they should have seen it coming. We’re a little better prepared, though,” reported Alpha Phi sophomore Emily Taylor. “While the boys have been trying to predict the future with economics this whole time, we saw this predicted in the ancient Greek texts.” She gestured to this month’s Refinery29 horoscope. “See right here? Taurus. That’s what Tyler is. It says: ‘Something bad might happen this month.’ I texted him that last week, but he just brushed it off and asked me for nudes. I don’t get why he’s like this.”
As of press time, the Interfraternity Council has been discussing honoring Prometheus by vowing to destroy their own livers every day.