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Month: September 2020

Posted on September 30, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Amanda Mier

Presidential Debate Drinking Game

Drink whenever you feel dread. Trump says they’re gonna take our guns! Shotgun a beer. Take a shot every time Joe Biden references a time …

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Posted on September 27, 2020May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

Men’s Rights Activists Announce the Opening of El Burrito Across the Street From La Burrita

BERKELEY, Calif. — This morning the Berkeley Meninist Collective (BMC) announced the opening of their new Mexican restaurant, El Burrito, directly across the street from …

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Posted on September 25, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Urgent Advisory Message: Marc Fisher’s Night Light Is Out And He Needs Somebody to Change It

BERKELEY, Calif. — In his latest public safety update, Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher has informed the Berkeley campus community of another impending hazard. “Dear faculty, …

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Posted on September 23, 2020September 23, 2020 by: The Free Peach

OPINION: Why My COVID Antibodies Make My Cum Taste Better

There are already SO many reasons why girls should give me head. To name a few: 1) because it feels good for me, 2) because …

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Posted on September 22, 2020September 23, 2020 by: Sam MacKinnon

Ellen Degeneres’ Teleprompter Speaks Out

LOS ANGELES — Following the airing of the first episode of Season 18 of “Ellen” yesterday morning, Ellen Degeneres’ teleprompter spoke out about the abuse …

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Posted on September 22, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

ANTIFA Leaders To Hold Gender Reveal Party at Confederate Monument

RICHMOND, Virginia — In keeping with their violent yet liberal spirit, an ANTIFA couple recently announced their intention to hold a gender reveal party at …

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Posted on September 18, 2020September 11, 2021 by: Sammy Cornick

New Scientific Study Finds Coronavirus Immunity in Former FitTea Models

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The novel coronavirus has presented innumerable uncertainties to the global population, with scientists and doctors worldwide scrambling to create a vaccine …

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Posted on September 17, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Zeus to Punish Greek Life for Hubris

BERKELEY, Calif. — Havoc broke out Saturday as a KA brother unleashed unknowable power upon his peers.  “Who hath dared to party-foul Zeus, Ruler of …

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Posted on September 17, 2020September 11, 2021 by: lyamashir01

OPINION: I Spray-Painted Cop Cars for Black Lives Matter. NOW Will You Fuck Me on my Top Bunk in DKE?

As I researched to educate myself on systemic racism and oppression, I had a revelation: I have been the subject of discrimination by my female …

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Posted on September 15, 2020May 13, 2021 by: Daniella Rosen

President Trump Endorses Eighth Grader’s COVID-19 Fart Test

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to White House Chief Fart Correspondent William Barr, President Trump has officially come out in support of the COVID-19 Fart Test …

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