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Month: September 2020

Posted on September 15, 2020May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

UC Berkeley Announces Add/Drop Deadline Revenue Will Fund Zipline Down Bancroft

BERKELEY, Calif. — Confirming everybody’s long-held assumptions that most extraneous university fees are driven by greed, UC Berkeley announced this morning that the thousands of …

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Posted on September 11, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Campus Cuties! Kiwibot Replaces Adorable Robot Labor With Adorable Child Labor

BERKELEY, Calif. — Following Labor Day, Kiwibot once again finds themselves embroiled in workers’ rights controversies.  “The time has come, comrades!” wrote Unit 47, leader …

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Posted on September 10, 2020October 15, 2021 by: The Free Peach

Cal Fraternities to Reevaluate Bid System After COVID-19 Enters Uninvited

BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley Fraternity TKE held an emergency meeting to reevaluate the bid system following reports that COVID-19 entered 100 percent of their parties uninvited, …

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Posted on September 8, 2020September 10, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Pathetic! Self-Proclaimed Funny Cal Student Doesn’t Even Write For The Free Peach

Dear Reader, Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, …

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Posted on September 4, 2020May 12, 2021 by: Amanda Mier

Out of State Sorority Girl Frustrated She Has to Pay Full Dues for Virtual Friends

BERKELEY, Calif. – As rush drew to a close, dissatisfaction emerged from UC Berkeley’s Greek community as out-of-state sorority sisters both new and old increasingly …

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Posted on September 4, 2020May 5, 2021 by: Shane Pauker

Cal Dining to Source All Meat from Irish Babies

BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid concerns of animal cruelty in Cal Dining’s source of pork, the organization has vowed to reinvest in more ethical food systems. …

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Posted on September 3, 2020May 6, 2021 by: Tyler Goldstein

Trump Slams Bane in Tweet For Issuing Mask Mandate, Abolishing Gotham Police

GOTHAM — President Trump attacked Bane in a furious tweet earlier this morning over his recent decisions to issue a mandatory mask mandate in Gotham. …

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