BERKELEY, Calif. – As rush drew to a close, dissatisfaction emerged from UC Berkeley’s Greek community as out-of-state sorority sisters both new and old increasingly refused to pay full dues for virtual friends, geographically distant sources complained to the manager. 

“I’m kind of heartbroken,” said freshman Alia Ratliff of Denver, CO. “I totally vibed with this girl in Kappa who I could tell had the same Reformation dress as me. But if we can’t wear it side-by-side in a pic with Highlights +10.2, Shadows +5.0, and Grain +1.4, what does it really matter? I know I’ll still get the comments, but they’ll feel fake and forced now.”

Ratliff was not alone in her frustrations.

“I at least want a discount,” lamented Radhika Taylor, a junior transfer from Arlington, VA. “My boyfriend and I aren’t even leaving Virginia! How can one of my sisters fuck him behind my back from 3,000 miles away? I think I deserve to get what I paid for.”

Some would-be Clark Kerr inhabitants are facing their first-ever intersectional adversity through both academic and extracurricular price gouging. 

“It’s not like price is the most important issue. I completely acknowledge my privilege,” explained freshman Gina Ramirez of New York, NY. “But, like, why pay at all if I’ll never be able to tangibly prove that I can afford dues, tuition, and textbooks in a capitalist display of wealth before my peers? It’s the principle of the thing.”

Current sorority members have allegedly recommended alternating between ignoring new recruits and cooing, “You are SO pretty!” in preparation for Bid Day in an effort to replicate the real, in-person experience.

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