Pick a Date for Date Party and We’ll Tell You Which of Your Friends He’s Fucked!
So you woke up this morning, refreshed and ready for a new dawn, only to find that you texted your crush “Come find me, big boy” at 2 am…with no response.
Olivia is a gem of a roommate: she’s neat, considerate, very quiet when getting ready in the morning, and one time she bought you that Black Bottom muffin from Strada just because she thought of you. We love Olivia, and every day we thank the lord that she is who she is, and not Rebecca.
With cuffing season swiftly approaching, it’s time to get serious about finding love. Luckily for you lonely freaks, we at The Free Peach have compiled a comprehensive list of Berkeley’s most eligible bachelors! Stop wasting your time on Tinder and meet some real men in your own neighborhood!
Faced with the intrusive, probing question of all dads, dads’ friends, (ex)boyfriends, and weird, overly jovial older men at the gym to whom you respond out of common decency, it’s easy to take the coward’s way out and mutter something vague about a startup. Because really, what are you going to do with your English degree?
Here the conversation took a pause as the local champion of animal rights started gumming the remainder of a drug for which there is an average of six human deaths per kilo sold.
We hope these key points help when your parents inevitably look at you with horror in their eyes and an all-consuming sense of regret!
“You know, we’re used to being marginalized, but I was still surprised that we were so underrated in the college drinking scene. It’s straight up prejudice!”
Go forth and enjoy, Bears! Use our promo codes HITMYJUUL and MAKEOUTWITHASTRANGER for a Norovirus discount this spring!
top being posers and drink some $2 prosecco, you cretins, while I spray myself with Dom, handcuff a chick with real, police grade cuffs, and bask in the glorious French sun.