With cuffing season swiftly approaching, it’s time to get serious about finding love. Luckily for you lonely freaks, we at The Free Peach have compiled a comprehensive list of Berkeley’s most eligible bachelors! Stop wasting your time on Tinder and meet some real men in your own neighborhood!

1.) Gerald 

Ladies of the Bay Area, rejoice: finally a hunk without an inflated ego! Standing a whopping eighteen feet tall, you’ll never have to worry about whether or not to wear heels. A source close to this bachelor points to his colorful nature as his most attractive quality. On weekends he can be found in the front parking lot of Berkeley Toyota…or your place ;).

2.) Michael

WOW! How is he still single? This red-blooded and red-bodied American male always has a smile on his face, and will leave you with one, too. Fun-loving and adventurous, this Tall Boy enjoys long walks on the beach, Thai food, and going wherever the wind takes him. Available this Saturday night, and for purchase on Amazon for the low price of $35.

3.) Joseph

Ooh yes, a bachelor we’ve all been thirsting after! This dude is a triple Pisces with a wacky sense of humor and a go with the flow attitude. He’s always up (but sometimes down or blowing to the side) for a good time. Loves pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. 

4.) Sam Mackinnon 

Check out this heartbreaker! He’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s survived being thrown off of the top of the Campanile, and he has a Cal logo tattooed on his physique (but you’ll never guess where!). And, most importantly, he’s not full of hot air like most men. 

5.) Dan

Hubba hubba, look at this future hubby! An heir (correction, air) to a large fortune, Dan lights up any large, open, outdoor space he’s in with his broad smile, and he’s always down to show off his groovy moves on the dance floor. Move over, Troy Bolton: Berkeley has a new heartthrob.

Happy cuffing season!

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