First, these damn Berkeley liberals think they can take away straws, and now they’re taking away Juuls. We at The Free Peach are wondering: what’s there left to suck on?

It’s important to note the long history that surrounds these changing times. When humankind discovered the alternative to sipping, they were hooked. Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can. Did you know that some people even suck on toes? Crazy!

But now, our own government is banning our favorite things to suck on left and right. And sure, we have paper straws now, but literally name a worse thing to suck on. You can’t? Me neither!

Actually, toes are probably worse to suck on, but to each their own.

It’s pretty ironic that the thing we created to replace sucking on cigarettes is now being banned as well. Has a nicotine patch or stick of Nicorette gum ever got you fucking domed? Nope. 

Sure, six people have died from the Juul now, and more are probably coming. Hell, half of our staff fucking vapes. Who’s to know how many of us there will be left in a year! You’d think with that logic the US would have banned some other things that kill people much more easily. But alas, no! They are attacking our right to suck on our favorite suckable sucktoys.

We’ve been cruelly ripped from our Juuls and straws like babies from the breast of thy mother. What force of evil would commit such a heinous act? Who dares separate us? 

Mr. Gorbachev, lift these bans! Let us suck! Let us nurse on the teat of joy, the Juul, the straw, the dick, the toe, the thumb for comfort, the Suorin, the popsicle of nicotine! 

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