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Month: September 2019

Posted on September 30, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Kelsey Ferrell

“I’m Tired of Being Seen For My Tits and Ass!” Local Woman Demands Compliment on Her Left Labia Next Time

Every time I’m with a man, he tells me that he loves playing with my boobs or that my butt is perfect. I’m so tired of not being valued for more. Why can’t they compliment me for my left labia?

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Posted on September 28, 2019September 28, 2022 by: The Free Peach

Opinion: The Fecund Melisma of Saturnine Parlance Is An Enervated Corpus Delicti of Contemporary Ontological Praxis (By That Guy From Section)

We’re all thinking it, but I guess I have to be the one to say it: the fecund melisma of saturnine parlance is an enervated corpus delicti of modern ontological praxis. 

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Posted on September 27, 2019May 19, 2021 by: Cloe Wood

Your Weekend Horoscope

Mercury is in flavortown and you know what that means… The Free Peach does horoscopes now! You’re welcome. Scroll for your weekend horoscope!

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Posted on September 26, 2019May 12, 2021 by: Amanda Mier

The Official Ranking of My Roommates (Spoiler Alert: Rebecca is the Fucking Worst)

Olivia is a gem of a roommate: she’s neat, considerate, very quiet when getting ready in the morning, and one time she bought you that Black Bottom muffin from Strada just because she thought of you. We love Olivia, and every day we thank the lord that she is who she is, and not Rebecca.

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Posted on September 26, 2019 by: The Free Peach

BREAKING: Spike In Incest Porn Popularity After The Release of Frozen 2 Trailer

The clues are all there. In the new trailer, Anna and Elsa are shown venturing into the “Forbidden Forest.” You know what else is considered “forbidden”? INCEST!

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Posted on September 25, 2019May 19, 2021 by: Cloe Wood

Frat Row is Haunted by the Tiny Ghosts of Thousands of Goldfishes Swallowed by KA Pledges, and We Hired a Team of Paranormal Investigators to Prove it

As this publication is renowned for its hard-hitting investigative journalism, The Free Peach hired a team of paranormal investigators to assess the situation.

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Posted on September 23, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Maeve Sneddon

A Letter to MY Editor: Please Stop Asking Me To Write This Article, I Literally Have The Flu

Look, I know what you’re gonna say, Amanda. I know you’ll say “Maeve you can take the week off” or “Don’t worry about it! I’d rather you feel better” or even, “Please Maeve, please stop texting me your fever-induced ideas for articles.”

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Posted on September 21, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Kelsey Ferrell

We’re Pretty Sure the Football Team Is Doing Well, but None of Our Writers Are Qualified to Write About It

I  know that UC Berkeley has done poorly in football in the past, so this new trend of “winning” is confusing new territory for everybody on staff. 

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Posted on September 20, 2019May 13, 2021 by: Daniel Menegaz

Forest Witch Getting Into Meal Prep Thinks She’ll Save Gretel For Dinner Friday

“I couldn’t keep myself from fattening, roasting, and devouring every single child that happened upon my gingerbread house as soon as they fell for my trap. I had terrible impulse control, and it was starting to affect my cholesterol.”

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Posted on September 19, 2019September 28, 2022 by: The Free Peach

I’m Not Like Other Girls— I Have Ringworm

I don’t have sex with strangers or “smoke weed,” okay? I don’t need to. I have ringworm.

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