BLACK FOREST, GERMANY – While health-food crazes seem to be a distinctly modern phenomenon, deep in the gnarled timberlands of the sparsely-populated southwestern woods of Germany blooms a dietary renaissance; the isolated, fantastical inhabitants of the forest most associated with The Brothers Grimm are not as immune to American and European cultural trends as one would think.

“I used to be such a glutton,” remarked the cannibalistic Witch of the Black Forest. “I couldn’t keep myself from fattening, roasting, and devouring every single child that happened upon my gingerbread house as soon as they fell for my trap. I had terrible impulse control, and it was starting to affect my cholesterol.”

But since she discovered healthy eating, things have changed dramatically.

“When I found meal prep, it was like finding a new religion,” she continued. “I’m still loyal to Satan, obviously, but you get what I mean. I fell in love. I began to prepare my meals and portion them out weeks ahead. Freezing different cuts of child meat has allowed me to try so many new recipes! Have you heard of a smoke pit? I had this adorable set of twins stumble through my door earlier this week, and the girl, Gretel, is the perfect size for a smoke pit! I think I’ll try that out on Friday.”

When asked about the obvious contradiction between her newfound passion for healthy eating and her house made out of sugary-sweet candy, the Hag had an explanation ready to go.

“Oh, I never liked the candy anyway. That’s just for luring the children. I got fat and slow from all the butter and oil I used to cook them,” she clarified. “But I’m trying to get in shape. No more butter, sugar, or carbs for me.”

In a further demonstration of her commitment to a healthy diet, the Forest Witch showed off the contents of her refrigerator – all perfectly portioned into vacuum-sealed and dated Tupperware. 

“But this?” she grinned, holding up a 3-gallon jug of home-brewed kombucha, “is my pride and joy. Nothing better than a nice cold mug of ‘bucha after yoga on a Thursday afternoon.”  

The Witch of the Black Forest’s “smoke-pit barbecued child” and “homemade kombucha” will be featured recipes in November’s issue of Bon Appetit magazine.

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