BERKELEY, Calif. – After an announcement that conservative political commentator Matt Walsh would “anger the liberals” by visiting UC Berkeley to promote his film What is a Woman?, thousands of students have responded by asking: “Who is Matt Walsh?”
“It’s absolutely insulting that they invited him here,” declared junior Stephanie Schuyler. “We’re supposed to be the number one public university in the country. Why are we allowing speakers who have absolutely no fame or notoriety to come here? That would be like if they invited my uncle who lives in our basement and reposts links from truthamericapatriot.com/fakevirus to give a talk about the COVID vaccine at Harvard Medical School.”
When approached for comment on Walsh, none of the left wing and liberal political groups on campus reported knowledge of any remotely noteworthy political figures visiting Berkeley in the near future.
“Oh Matt Walsh, he’s great! I loved him in Veep,” said Cal YDSA member Valmic Mukund, presumably confusing Matt Walsh for the famed comedy actor with the same name. “I kept hearing people saying he was coming to UCB but I just thought they were talking about how he was a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade.”
“I didn’t know about him until last week,” seventeen-year-old freshman and CalDems member Miller explained. “But I saw him on campus telling kids about how they’re being indoctrinated by leftists, after which he looked straight at me and said girls like me are at the most fertile age to become pregnant. He also just looks like one of those straight guys who has skid marks in his underwear because he thinks it’s ‘gay’ to wipe his ass.”
While most students either did not know of Walsh or disliked him, a small number were extremely enthusiastic about his visit, and insisted he is actually really famous.
“I absolutely love him. Whenever I try to confront these crazy communists on campus, they say stuff to me like ‘who are you?’ and ‘we didn’t invite you to this party. Please leave.’ They’re just scared of having an intelligent conversation instead of just getting angry whenever I ask them something reasonable, like ‘before I let you go to the bathroom, can you tell me which private parts you have?’ Matt Walsh truly impacts society because he speaks about the truly important issues that impact society, like transgender people existing peacefully, and the race of a fictional mermaid,” said Turning Point USA member and guy who wears khakis and bow ties every day of his miserable life, Sutherland Clark.
When asked for comment on his visit, Walsh was extremely eager to reply.
“You Berkeley hippie liberals just want to promote your disgusting transgender agenda. And that’s why so many students are triggered and angry that I’m here,” Walsh said in response to no one knowing who he is. “You communists are brainwashing children by telling them it’s okay to express their true gender identity instead of forcing them to suppress their natural feelings and emotions just like God intended. I miss the good ol’ days when kids were allowed to just be kids unless they were poor, gay, trans, a racial minority, not Christian, or a girl.”
Following his visit to Berkeley, Matt Walsh will excitedly continue his national tour of college campuses where basically no one of any political ideology will care about or even know who he is.