BERKELEY, Calif. – Controversy struck in James Smith’s 8:00 am public policy discussion section, where stories were shared of the struggles that students faced growing up and how these struggles affected their lives. After listening to many of his peers’ testimonies, Smith decided that he had something to add.

“It was hard growing up in Piedmont. It wasn’t easy telling people where I was from, and having them tell me, ‘You must have a lot of money’, or ‘Damn, how many cars do you own?’ I only have a Porsche 911 and a Tesla Model X,” Smith said. “It’s just so stigmatizing and exclusionary to have people assume I’m rich, when in reality, I’m just comfortable,” he added, raising his arm to subtly flex his $20,000 Cartier watch. 

After facing some pushback from his peers, who said that Smith should just admit that he’s rich, and that white people should just stop speaking, he claimed he was the recipient of anti-rich discrimination.

“Even if I was rich, rich people are literally a minority,” he continued.  “Only 1% of people in the nation hold the majority of its wealth. You guys have no idea what my brother and I have been through. We made it out the trenches,” Smith claimed, dangling the keys to his $16 million Mediterranean penthouse. “My brother worked hard to get into Harvard, and because he dated their president’s daughter, our parents only had to give them 5 million dollars instead of the usual 10.”

One of his peers, Sasha Carter, commented on Smith’s outburst.

“He went on and on about how he’s grinded every day of his life and that he grew up like everyone else. I just told him that someone that has a diamond-encrusted phone case isn’t from ‘the trenches’, and then he told me that I ‘better not catch him in these streets’ and ‘next time it’s on sight.’ What’s on sight? Your daddy’s lawyers handing me a lawsuit?”

After the discussion section ended, Smith angrily stormed off campus. He was then seen getting into his aforementioned Porsche and driving off, blaring Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life” all the way home.

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