Once: Calm, cool, collected. Unfazed, ready for anything, the ultimate chiller. Your life moves at exactly the right pace, things just happen for you, you know? A rare breed indeed, everyone wants to be you. Bless you, my friend. 

Twice: Ah, yes. The Twice Sneezer. A classic. Truly average. You will never go out of style. You know how to skateboard, but not too well. You sometimes splurge on guacamole, as a treat. Your friends are always like “hey, yeah. They’re pretty cool. Like, I don’t know. Yeah.” 

Thrice: Okay, we get it. You have allergies. Shut up about your allergies. We don’t care. No one cares. Not even your allergist, who you see monthly for allergy shots that “ugh just won’t start working!” Seriously. Hay fever sounds like a made up illness from Little House on the Prairie, and you definitely don’t have it. 

Four times: You’re so fun loving and quirky! Like allllll the boys have crushes on you. We bet you do the little sneezes that make you sound like a kitten. So cute!! You dot all your i’s with hearts and we love that. You also always smell good. And know how to make brownies. But also weed brownies! Because you grow your own weed in cute little ceramic pots with faces painted on them that you did yourself at Color Me Mine. And you write cute little poems for all of your friends on napkins and leave little lipgloss kisses on them. So quirky!!

Five Times: Literally fuck you. We have nothing to say to you. At all. Fuck off.

Six times: You’re sassy and headstrong. The cinnamon gum of human beings. You don’t care that you sneeze way too many times. It’s not gross. It’s actually kind of sexy. Everytime you finish sneezing you flip your hair and when someone is like “bless you” you roll your eyes and sashay away. Iconic. 

Seven+ times: People don’t actually sneeze that much. Stop being dramatic, we can all tell. You probably didn’t even have to sneeze in the first place. No one sneezes that loud, either. We aren’t stupid. You just like the attention. Well guess what? We’ll say “bless you,” once, maybe twice, but then we’ll all catch on. By the time you’re done pretending to sneeze we’ll be long gone. 

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